Looking Back

August marked six years since I aged out. Sometimes it seems like it has been twice that long. Other times, it feels like it has been less than a day. I try very hard not to hold on too tightly to the past, for fear that it will hold me back. On the other hand, talking about the pain I experienced in foster care is the only way to prevent other kids from experiencing the same things.
Placement #6 became my forever family, though not legally. They were also placement #2, but it did not work out at that time, so I moved to a few other homes & ended up back with them five years later, at age 17. They don't like it when I talk about my experiences. My foster dad says that talking about the bad things (even when I also talk about the good things) is ungrateful. He says I should show thanks for the system that raised me even if it was not always perfect.
I do not think that is it at all. I think they don't like it when I speak out because they feel guilty for not being there for those five years to protect me. All of the bad things that happened were in placements 3 & 5 & I think he & my foster mom feel like if I had not moved out of their house, those things never would have happened.
My take on that is different. The way I see it, those things happened because I could handle them. I am not overly religious, but I feel that God let that stuff happen because he knew I am the ultimate lemonade maker. I was never thrown anything I could not cope with & God surrounded me with people who cared about me & who provided me emotional shelter from the worst of storms. There were always good friends & they often had parents who embraced me like family, plus I had a social worker who worked her tail off for me & a birth mom who thought I walked on water & did her best to love me, in spite of her disabilities. It is amazing what a person can get through with the right people by their side.
Now, because I am a survivor, because I am able & because I feel passionately about foster care, it is my duty to call attention to the parts of the foster care system that I know can use some work. I am eternally grateful for the things I was given, but I know there are many more kids who had it worse than I did & who did not have nearly the number or quality of resources available to help them through as I did. I need to call attention to the things that are not right & help work to right them. I do not do this to bash the system, but to honor it & make it even better.
It is the least I can do.