The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

My husband & I got married on July 16. Other than me not being able to find a job, it's been great. Everybody told me things would be different once we got married. Apparently, they did not know him. Nothing has really changed between he & I.

His mom is living with us. Things HAVE changed between her & I. I used to feel really comfortable around her. I could tell her about anything & I thought she felt the same way. Now, I find that she chooses the weirdest times to reinforce my own worst fears about myself.

The things she says are to the effect that I do not know how families are supposed to work (due to having been raised in foster care), that I am not as much a part of his/her family as those born into it & never will be, etc. Mind you, she does not say it exactly like that, but the idea is there. I have a lot of worries about what kind of mom I will be, what kind of wife I am & if I will ever be able to create enough of a family for myself to not feel a huge gaping void where the family of my childhood should have fit. My foster family, try as they might, never has made me feel like one of their own. I've always been an outsider.

The statement about me not being part of the family really hurt, because she was comparing me to her youngest son who lives in the same town as we do, but never seems to be able to make time for her or his brother. I had a foster family who liked to do things to point out to the foster kids that we did not really belong & it does not hurt any less now that I am an adult. Though no one else had been on the subject, my mother-in-law felt the need to bring it up just to point out that he is more part of the family than I am. Apparently, no amount of caring for her after she's had surgery, no amount of loving her oldest son, no number of favors done for her, no number of grandchildren carried, will ever give me a spot in the family anywhere near the son who does not even care to be part of it.

I tried talking to my husband, but he doesn't get it. He does not have the need to belong that I have. He would not care if someone said these things to him. He does not understand why I am so upset by what she says & says I should confront her.

How would I go about doing that without looking like a total hag? Here she is, this little old lady with two artificial hips & a memory that lasts about thirty seconds, & I would either be confronting her in front of her family (automatically making me look bad) or waiting until no one else is around & she no longer even remembers making the comment. I don't know what to do.