Insensitivity vs. Oversensitivity

I don't always have the thickest skin. Sometimes I take things much more personally than they are intended. I am pretty good at not letting this show, especially to strangers & people who I know are not trying to be jerks.

That said, I hope I pulled it off this weekend while attending a meeting of foster and adoptive parents. I believe I am the first former foster youth in the country to be asked to sit on a board like this without being a licensed foster or adoptive parent first, so the fact that I am involved at all says great things about the forward thinking nature of the members. But, even on this board, with its great members, people say some really stupid things sometimes without thinking & I cannot help but be a bit offended.

Being very concerned with confidentiality, I am not going to describe any of the people on the council or say the name of the association, & while I cannot quote directly because it has already been a day or two & I did not write down the statements when they were made, I will do my best to replicate the statements that upset me.

Foster parent 1: People think these kids we adopt are beautiful, normal kids. They are not. (This made me feel like asking why they adopted the kids in the first place if they found them so detestable.)

Foster parent 1 (again): If I did not get a subsidy for my adopted son, I think he would be homeless right now. (I cannot tell you how many red flags this sent up. There is something be be said for honesty, but this is downright unkind. I have to wonder if the foster parent has said this to the adopted son.)

Foster parent 2: It's not a matter of if you will get a false allegation of abuse, but when.
(There are a lot of people who do not understand that an unfounded child abuse report is not necessarily a statement that a foster parent was innocent of all charges. It just means that nothing could be proven. Not only that, but I am pretty sure that a lot of kids who change their story from saying that they were abused by a foster parent to saying that they were not are only doing so because they have been threatened into doing so. Nobody seems to think about that. They would rather assume foster children are liars.)

One person asked me a question she feared MIGHT be offensive & repeatedly apologized afterward for asking. The thing was, it wasn't offensive. It was phrased appropriately & if I'd felt it was too personal, it was clear I could decline to answer. I do not want people to feel like they have to apologize left & right for being honest in front of me, walk on eggshells or not be themselves. Between that & being new to the board, I did not want to jump on people too much.

There is talk of bringing a teen who is still in care into the group at some point. I think there will have to be some definite paradigm shifts before that will be successful. A kid still in the system would have emotions that are still far too raw to sit through some of this.

Some of the parents seem like people who do not know they are prejudiced, but who are. They do not want to say things that are unkind or ignorant, but they think them (at least subconsciously) & then they end up saying them. I do not know if it is my responsibility (as part of the group being talked about) to step up & help them reframe their views in the kindest manner I can or if I would be overstepping my bounds to do so.