Fears

I have a number of fears. I am not sure if they are related to having been in the system or if they are fears lots of people have & just don't talk about. I also don't know if they are logical or not, given what my life's experience has been.

Being a bad mom. They say you tend to parent the way you were parented. I was parented inconsistently. I had foster parents who were great & who I would be delighted to emulate. I had others who I would never want to be like in any way, let alone parenting. Perhaps it will be like my husband. He is the best of all of the male role models I had, but isn't really exactly like any one of them. Perhaps I will draw on the best of all of the parenting styles I experienced.

Never filling the gaps inside me. I feel like I belong in my birth mom & my relationship & for the longest time, that was the only place I felt I belonged. Then, in high school, I found a niche of friends & clubs where I belonged, but I lost that when I graduated. Once we started dating, I got a sense of belonging in my husband & my relationship, which I still have. I still do not feel like I belong in his family or in my foster family. It seems like I need to belong more than most people, but express it far less.

Abandonment. I think this has less to do with being in foster care than having my primary caregiver, my grandma, die when I was six. It was very sudden & unexpected & she was only 54-years-old. Pretty much ever since, I have been afraid people will leave, or die, or get sick of me & want me to leave. This is another fear I do not express very much.

Getting angry. I have a hard time talking about feeling angry. It's the only emotion I have any trouble expressing. I think it is partially because of being born into an alcoholic family & anger being translated into violence too often. I think it also has to do with the fear of abandonment. If I get mad, someone might get mad back & leave, or they may storm out, die angry in a car accident & I never get to apologize for something stupid I might say.