Choices

When I was 16, I hit one of those proverbial crossroads of life. Not only was I in a position where one decision was going to change the rest of my life, but I knew this to be the case.

I had only recently resumed visits with my aunt (the one who cared for me for a year after my mom went into a care facility & who ended up placing me in foster care) & her family, when they offered that I could move back in with them. I turned it down, but began to think and write about it in the form of letters to express my feelings. I did not send any of these letters, in fact, I tore them up because I decided I was better off staying with that foster family for the time being. I forgot about the letters completely.

Just before the start of winter break, my foster mom sent for me to come home early from school. When I arrived, I was confronted with the letters, which I explained fully & honestly for what they were. Her two daughters, who were in their twenties & living in the home rent-free decided their feelings were still hurt. I was told to call my aunt & I better hope that she would be able to come get me or I would be out on the street at 5 pm. They took back everything they had given me, including my winter coat & other items paid for by the state's clothing allowance.

I stayed with my aunt's family through the break, but was forced to "reunify" with the foster family. In a horrible confrontation with my foster mom & her oldest daughter during a therapy session with a counselor I did not know, I was expected to grovel & beg to be part of their family again, which was not something I wanted. I was put back into their home, where I was treated like a felon for a while & expected to return love for this treatment.

My aunt's attitude toward me started to change once I was moved back into the foster home. She started talking badly about me behind my back, which I found out from other members of the family. She started treating me like she did not trust me. She acted as though any concerns I might have about moving back home were personal attacks on her. It became impossible to carry on a relationship with her.

By now, I had gotten a part-time job & started working on the weekends. I did not have as much time to visit my aunt & uncle but still wanted to move to their house at the end of the school year. My aunt did not believe me & argued with me to the point that I decided I could not handle living with her.

It was then that I made a life changing choice. Instead of moving back with my aunt's family, I decided to stay in care. Though the home I was in was not good, it was my first chance to attend one school for more than two years. While I didn't feel loved, I felt stable, which I didn't feel on visits to my aunt. I felt that if my aunt really loved me, she would want me to be happy & she would stick by my decision. I was wrong.

She bailed on me & I have not heard from her except when I called to try to get information about my great-grandmother's funeral. She more or less told me that she would send someone to pick me up & if they found me, great. If not, that was just tough, but she would not take directions to my house. Other than that, we've had no contact in eight years.