Being Good Enough

I pride myself on being my best. I try to make good decisions & admit when I'm wrong. I make efforts to learn new things & I consider what others have to say. From an objective point of view, I think I'm a pretty good person & I have a lot to be pleased about.

Yet, I never seem to think I am good enough. In junior high, I did not think I was good enough to join extra-curriculars or be popular. In high school, I didn't think I was good enough to interest the guys who interested me or to be Valedictorian. I was sure in college that I was not good enough to be admitted to my dream school or the journalism program there or to get on the college trivia team. I certainly did not think I was good enough for my husband when we started dating. Most recently, I didn't think I deserved the job I was offered by a very rigorous interviewer who I feel asked all of the right questions to get the best person for the position.

All of my insecurities fly in the face of what I objectively know to be true. I know I am smart because I got good grades, always understood concepts quickly & excelled on IQ tests, the ITBS, the ITED, the PSAT & the ACT. I was co-captain of my high school trivia team for two years. I know I am likable because I have plenty of friends & strangers have commented on how kind & helpful I am. I know I'm not ugly because my friends' dad accidently threw away my photo once because he thought it came with the wallet his son was carrying. I have nearly 2 1/2 decades of experience with overseeing the care of my mom, a person with disabilities. I am a hardcore advocate for vulnerable people of all sorts & I have an excellent education from a respected university. These are facts I know to be true & yet, these insecurities which are directly contradicted by the facts linger.

Maybe my confidence in my appearance was undermined by worse than usual teenage acne & a foster mom who told me if I lost a few pounds & they didn't photograph my face, I could be a model. Maybe I have less faith in my intelligence because of the rough start my education had. Is it possible that I never became popular because I felt like an outcast & the other kids just picked up on that? Was I only less athletic because I did not believe I could make the jump shot, score the goal or outrun the competition? Do I think I am a cold, unkind person because of the foster family and roommate who called me the "Ice Queen" when I would not respond to their hateful comments about me? Do I still secretly believe I am a bad person because of the foster family that told us all that we were heathens & constantly punished someone for something? Did a childhood full of people who would not listen to me make me feel like I do not have anything valuable to say or any control over my world?

All I know is that it is time to quit letting the past haunt me & make my decisions for me. I am just as good as anyone else & I deserve to reap the consequences of what I sow, not just bad, but also good. It is time to listen to the good things people say & put a lot less stock in the negative.